Back then, I didn’t know Jesus.
I knew *of* Him…
I was real scared of hell and a big fan of Jesus.
But I hadn’t actually encountered Him yet.
I had no idea what it looked like to follow Him outside of the checkboxes of religion — and y’all, I really like checkboxes. As much as I can rebel against being told what to do, I love to know what to do and get to cross it off my list!
But I really only had one checkbox that connected to my emotional being at the time — so I prayed that “magical” prayer over and over again, terrified that I hadn’t “meant it” enough the time before.
I think if I had understood the relational side of being a Christian — you know, the only side that really matters — then all of the rest of it would have come alive for me. But until I could get there, God really had me stuck on that prayer. Because in my soul, I had to know that it wasn’t about the specific words to a single prayer, and how desperately I prayed them because it was what I was supposed to do or it was my ticket out of this messy complicated life. That it was about so much more — that the change I was seeking would literally alter my life, on this side of heaven. That I would never be the same again. That I would never have to feel alone again. That I would desire to live for something and someone other than myself. And that I wouldn’t just be okay with that but I could find joy in it. That I could have a life beyond being ‘fine’ — that it would be hard but life is hard anyway and it could also be so amazingly beautiful.
So for me, it wasn’t a ‘lightbulb moment’ that just clicked on one day and I’ll remember it forever — apparently I’m a slow learner 😉
It was a gradual development of learning more and more about the character of our great God — much like falling in love…only the distance between enamored and invested took more time than I’d really like to admit 😛
And for me at least, I really think the key that unlocked my relationship was getting around other people who already had one and discovering what it could look like — and then committing to my own spiritual awakening, allowing my unique perspective to feed into establishing that connection so I could really let the Holy Spirit engage my soul and begin the ever growing process of being rooted and established in His life changing love.
That’s the beginning of my story — for a twenty-something church girl, it seemed to take a lifetime to find my lifeline.
Andie Fair is the starry-eyed wife of her high school sweetheart, Executive Creative Director of Chaos to their kiddos, a quirky, open-door homemaker with a soul wired to explore the unknown, a heart crafted to lead with love, and a second mug of coffee forever in the microwave. She’s a certified health coach, aiming to make healthy living easier for families and a volunteer disciple maker who gets her thrills guiding others to engage in an active relationship with their Redeemer. She writes randomly and strives to live intentionally.